Embracing My Crazy

Howdy Folks!!  TGIF!!

Whew!!  This has been the longest. week. ever!  I thought Friday would never get here!! It has been a busy, hectic week!

I had a good spin workout Wednesday night followed by 3 rounds of the workout that I posted for Workout Wednesday. I got a pretty good sweat on!

Thursday, I was supposed lead Pathways on a 3 mile run. Well, my boss had scheduled a staff meeting for 4pm. She told us that she would try to keep it at 1 hour, but that almost never happens. Consequently, I didn't get out of there in time to make the group run. I'm not entirely that upset about missing it either because it was about 18 degrees/felt like 6 with the wind chill at run time. I thought about getting some miles in on the treadmill but I'm scheduled to run the Go Short, Go Long, Go Very Long 25k tomorrow morning. My Achilles is feeling pretty good right now and I didn't want to risk irritating it again. I'm not sure that the treadmill isn't a contributing factor to the injury in the first place. I increased my pace and mileage but I also had never run on the treadmill until recently. I think in this instance, rest and erring on the side of caution was the right call to make.

So, this is going to be a pretty personal, revealing post. If you're not into that, then stop reading now. Otherwise, you've been forewarned.

I've been trying to wrap my mind around my meltdown the other day. I've been trying to figure out what happened. I remember from a very early age trying to be a "pleaser", trying to make everyone happy so that I would feel accepted. I struggled to fit in. I didn't make many friends. I didn't participate in sports or extracurricular activities other than band and choir. I was only mediocre at those. I didn't push myself or challenge myself because I was afraid of failure. I was not encouraged to either. I'll never forget my first grade teacher yanking me out of my chair and shaking me so hard that I wet my pants because I colored outside of the lines on the first freaking day of school even! Or the 5th grade teacher who ridiculed my art projects and belittled me/put me down every chance she got. I hope karma wears stilettos!! Apparently I never successfully mastered Erikson's developmental stage of industry vs inferiority. I've always had a low self esteem and confidence issues. I have had problems starting things and not finishing them. I've always sought approval and validation from others. I never learned to love myself and I often set unrealistic expectations for myself.

But all of that has changed recently and running has played an integral part in that. People joke about running being cheaper than therapy. Well, for me it is therapy. Running has empowered me. It is something that I can do for myself that no one can take away from me or diminish. It's not easy but I'm out there doing it and they aren't! I'm not a fast runner but my running friends and community accept me just that way I am. And the sense of accomplishment that I get when I cross the finish line is better than any drug could ever be!! I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far and have been so looking forward to completing my first marathon. Then this stupid Achilles acted up. I started to have doubt and fear. Additionally, there was negativity directed at me by one of my runners and I've really taken that personally. I had such a positive, inspiring group of runners last session and I guess that I expected that same thing with this group especially since they're in the advanced group. But I don't think that is going to be the case and I'm feeling discouraged and disappointed already. So, the other day when the doctor was trying to get me to engage my core and I couldn't do what he wanted me to do was the icing on the cake. All those old feelings of inadequacy came rushing back and the pent up frustrations that I've been dealing with came spilling out.

We all have our own issues and our own "crazy" to some degree. I really thought that I had made good progress in burying those old feelings but I guess they are still there and closer to the surface than I thought. I really don't know how to defeat all my demons, but 1 thing is certain, I've got to got to keep moving forward! I've got to accept myself and be happy with who I am, including that little bit of crazy that will apparently always be with me. The best thing that I can do right now is lace up my shoes and kick some serious asphalt! I'm not really worried about running with fear and doubt, I'll just outrun them!!

Have a fabulous Friday and a great weekend!

What are your plans this weekend?? Any races?